Pregnancy Humor

 

Question

Answer

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather  than briefs?

 Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear        anything at all.

 What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?

   A misconception.

       What is the difference between a Direct Entry Midwife (DEM) and a        Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)?

       Seven years of education for CNM and at least seven years of        apprenticeship for DEM.

       Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?

       Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

       What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

       Have sex once a year.

       What is a chastity belt?

       A labor-saving device.

       What is the most common pregnancy craving?

       For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

       I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?

       Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

 What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

       Childbirth.

       My blood type is type O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

       Then the jig is up.

 

       Should I have a baby after 35 (no need for unnecessary tests if you        think you are healthy)?

       No, 35 children is enough

       My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be        beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

       Your therapist.

       I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

       With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 

       How would I know that my bag of waters broke?

       When you taste it and it is not salty.

       How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

       If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

       My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes        for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is        this true?

       The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

       Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?

       I don’t remember.

       Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have        grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

       Yes, your bladder and your brain (latest research according to a CAT scan).

Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at        night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

       Depends on what your doing with them.

       The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

 

       A. Cause your fatter than they are.

       My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s        borderline irrational.

       So what’s your question?

 

       Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

       No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

       Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy (semen        contains prostaglandin – hormone, which stimulate labor) bring on        labor?

 

       When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

What’s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?

       Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

 What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?

       Brute force.

       When is the best time to get an epidural (drug injected to mom or        added in the IV that depresses the baby and slows labor for some        mothers)?

       Right after you find out you are pregnant.

       Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife        is in labor?

       Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

       How long is the average woman in labor (it takes 10-30 minutes for some second-time mothers)?

       Whatever she says, divided by two.

 I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see        me in that delicate position?

       Authorized personnel only—doctors, nurses, odorless, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning (burning sensation in mom’s puss signaling the baby’s head is coming   out)?

   It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire   throne is trying to make it’s way out of you.

 

 What are forceps (metal that pulls baby out since mom can’t push        after she is given drugs for pain relief or other measures)?

       Giant baby tweezers that can hurt a baby if not careful used.

       Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields or in a van?

       Not on purpose.

        Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from        childbirth?

       Yes, pregnancy.

       Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

       Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

       Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised (baby’s        foreskin has about six functional nerves)?

       When it’s a girl, for starters.

       Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

       Yes, baby lips.

Why is standing the best position when delivering a breech baby (feet first)?

       Gravity.

 Why does is take some time to deliver a baby boy than a baby girl even when in squatting position?

       Wider chest circumference for boys.

       When would I know the day that true labor comes?

       When your weight is about half a pound less.

       What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

       It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to        nurse.

       Why is nipple stimulation used to induce labor?

 It releases the sex hormones which initiate labor.

       How does one sanitize nipples?

 Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

       What are the terrible twos (toddlers at age 2 yr. old)?

  Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

       What is the best time to wean (stop) the baby from nursing?

   When you see teeth marks or when dad wants mom’s breast for himself only.

       What is the grasp reflex (ability of newborn at birth to grasp things tightly)?

       The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.

       Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

       Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and        puts him to sleep first.

       Where is the best place to store breast milk?

       In your breasts.

       What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?

       They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global        chemical warfare.

       Why should dim lights be used during homebirth?

       Baby wants the same environment as much as possible as inside mom’s belly.

       Do I have to have a baby shower (party for mom before the baby        arrives)?

       Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

       Why did the newborn stopped cyring during circumcision?

       He lost the sense of trust around him after cyring for pain and        nobody cared.

       What causes baby blues (mild postpartum depression after birth)?

       Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

       Nannies aren’t cheap are they?

       Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy.

       What is colic (baby crying intensely)?

       A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

       Why is mom lying on her back when in labor which counters gravity?

       For doctor’s convenience.

       Why does it take a long time for baby to be delivered when mom is        flat on the bed?

       Baby has to climb a hill before coming out.

       What are night terrors?

       Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.

       Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act        normal again?

       When the kids are in college.

       My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor,        but pressure (muscles and ligaments tightening up to push baby out).        Is she right?

       Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Published by

connie dello buono

Health educator, author and enterpreneur motherhealth@gmail.com or conniedbuono@gmail.com ; cell 408-854-1883 Helping families in the bay area by providing compassionate and live-in caregivers for homebound bay area seniors. Blogs at www.clubalthea.com Currently writing a self help and self cure ebook to help transform others in their journey to wellness, Healing within, transform inside and out. This is a compilation of topics Connie answered at quora.com and posts in this site.

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