No scarcity of opportunity , only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.
The Newborn after Birth
No scarcity of opportunity , only scarcity of resolve to make it happen
“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.”
― Wayne Dyer
This new year, 2014, we resolve to make things that we love to do and accomplish happen. With massive actions, getting the results we need from the success list that we create.
We protect our time to follow through our success list. The fortune is in the follow up.
We align ourselves with successful people, with positive influence in our business and lives.
We still have a balance life, as we aspire to achieve the material rewards that we plan to do.
Money allows us to taste the blessings from the fruit of our labors and we share it with others.
We become significant because we share.
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If you are looking for a business that you can tap the experience of successful people, we are looking for part time or full time financial planners (in the bay area and 50 US states) with life and health insurance license to be non-captive agents and build your organization with our system and profit sharing.
Call Connie Dello Buono, 408-854-1883 , motherhealth@gmail.com
The Newborn after Birth
Newborns feel, remember and are influenced by their experiences. During the first few weeks of life, they need mother’s milk (if possible), warmth and sleep. When travelling, mothers before us have worn a sling to carry baby around in which rocks the newborn to sleep. Sleeping with their mothers helps newborn babies to regulate their breathing. I have practiced sleeping together with my children from the time they were born.
Most mothers observed that full term and healthy babies have less colic problems especially when they are breastfed and massaged before or after each bath. Nelson Textbook on Pediatrics stated that crying from intestinal discomfort and intestinal obstruction or peritoneal infection may mimic an attack of colic and the following preventive measures can be sought: improving feeding techniques, including burping, providing a stable environment, identifying possible allergenic foods and avoiding underfeeding or overfeeding.
A study on the abilities of newborns tells us that:
- After about an hour and a half, infants began to make crawling movements toward their mother’s breast.
- At an average of fifty minutes after birth most were sucking correctly (they open their mouth wide, with the tongue under the areola, and express milk from the breast with deep sucks). This happens in a setting where the room is darkened, loud noises are avoided and people speak in low voices.
- Infants separated from their mothers at twenty minutes generally cried out loudly in protest.
- The first hour of contact of the mother with her baby skin-to-skin on her abdomen provides time to know each other.
- Mother tends to fall in love with the baby sooner when the baby is kept with her immediately after birth.
- They can recognize their own infants from others by merely touching the backs of the babies’ hands or by smelling their clothing.
- The mother can feel herself into the infant’s place.
- There are still many things that we don’t know about newborns including the essential nutrients that they derive from mother’s milk. That is why we continually modify the formulation in the so called Baby Formula.
- Touch, love, constant care and happy parents are what newborn wants….
- The midwife catches the baby and promotes a calm birth experience for the baby. Experiences inside the womb and at birth influence the shaping of human personality. Impact of roots of violence can take hold in prenatal life.
- Infant trauma inside the womb can influence the future of the newborn.
When the new baby needs to be seen by a doctor
The American College of Nurse Midwives has the following instructions to parents of new babies about when to call their caregiver (midwife or doctor). Parents are the first to observe their babies and should call their midwife or doctor when they see any of the danger signals below:
1. Dehydration – fewer and fewer wet diapers, dry inside of mouth (put little finger in baby’s mouth and let it suck – should feel wet and slippery, not dry and sticky). Be especially alert if the weather is hot, the baby has diarrhea, is not nursing well or acts sick.
2. Won’t eat – disinterested in nursing, too weak or sleepy to suck, few wet diapers, several days without stool. Seek out breastfeeding advice.
3. Abnormal skin color/Jaundice – if the baby becomes increasingly yellow/orange (especially the hands and feet), becomes too sleepy to nurse, wets few diapers (3 or less a day), has no stools. Cyanosis (bluish color) or very pale skin color. Both are very dangerous signs, often accompanied by respiratory distress (working hard to breathe). Go immediately to a hospital, a doctor or call 911.
4. Change in consciousness – very fussy, high-pitched-cry, a weak cry, or acts like he or she has a stiff neck, has poor color (very pale or bluish), is hard to wake up or has a fever. However, little babies can be very sick and still not have an elevated temperature. These serious problems may be caused by a dangerous infection, bleeding in the brain, or heart and lung problems that keep the baby from getting enough oxygen.
5. Bleeding, bruising, blood-filled lumps under the skin, bloody diarrhea or urine; except for a few drops of watery-blood from the umbilical stump when it is failing off or in the baby’s diaper, babies shouldn’t bleed or bruise. Be especially concerned if the baby is exclusively breast-fed or did not receive Vitamin K at birth. Seek medical help and be sure to tell the doctor if the baby did not receive Vitamin K. Expect a blood test (PPT) to help diagnose a deficiency in blood clotting factors.
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written by Connie Dello Buono
author of Birthing Ways Healing Ways
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“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.”
― Wayne Dyer
Midwives delivering babies for hundreds of years
Midwife means “with woman.” Traditionally, women have attended and assisted other women during labor and birth. As modern medicine emerged in the West, birth fell into the realm of the medical. Today the medical or technocratic model of birth is the mainstream in America while other countries, who use midwives as the primary care givers for natural pregnancies, use the holistic midwifery model of care.
The World Health Organization acknowledges that midwives should be the primary care giver for women with natural pregnancy or low risk while doctors should care for the high risk (which may includes twins, breeches and other pregnancies that require the facility of a hospital). The table below (adapted from the book, Birth as an American Rite of Passage by Robbie Davis-Floyd; U.C. Press, Los Angeles, 1992)shows differences between the medical and the midwifery model of care.
|
Medical – Technocratic |
Midwifery – Holistic |
|
Male centered, woman is an object/patient, male body is the norm, classifying and separating approach to care, mind is above and separate from body, female body is a defective machine |
Female centered, woman is a client, the female body is the norm and normal on her own terms, holistic and integrating approach to care, mind and body are one, female body is a healthy organism, and pregnancy and birth are inherently healthy |
Midwives make sure that the woman will have a natural pregnancy through proper prenatals and responsible and conscious mothering. During the 1960s and 1970s, along with the women’s movement and renewed interest in homebirth, the midwifery movement rekindled. It has been growing steadily ever since.
Midwives are becoming more and more involved with birthing families and have been instrumental in redefining birth as a natural event in women’s lives. They offer family and women centered birthsto empower people with the experience of birth.
How to Choose a Midwife
Choose a midwife with whom you feel confident and compatible with your beliefs about birth and your body.The following questions may help the pregnant woman to select a midwife who is well suited to her and her family:
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How did she become a midwife?
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What training has she had? Is she certified or licensed by any organizations?
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What is her basic philosophy of childbirth?
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How many births has she attended as the primary midwife?
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What is the fee for her services, how must it be paid, what does it include?
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What kinds of services are included in prenatal care?
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Does she work with other midwives or assistants at births?
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How do you reach the midwife; does she allow 24 hour access?
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How does she handle problems or complications that might develop during labor?
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What emergency standard equipment does she carry? What herbs or medicine does she use? Which ones does she carry and why? Does she have any affiliation with a physician who can answer unusual questions either during the pregnancy or in an emergency?
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What is her policy for transporting to a hospital?
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What kind of postpartum care does she provide? (frequency of baby check-ups; assistance with nursing)
In addition to asking these questions, it is important to be clear about what you expect from your midwife. Be prepared to share your vision of your birth and discuss any fears that you may have. Determine if the midwife’s answers to your questions agree with your desires. Trust your instincts. You will know when you have found your midwife.
Prenatals
Prenatal visits may take place at the midwife’s home or clinic or at the family’s home. The latter is especially comforting for the family as they are in their own surroundings and may be less hesitant to ask questions and get involved. Prenatal visits are also a time for the midwife to get to know the family and friends, neighbors, or other children who may be present at the birth.
Prenatal care for the pregnant woman includes discussion of nutrition, exercise and overall physical and emotional well-being, as well as overseeing the healthy development of the fetus.Midwives include the family during prenatal care, inviting them to ask questions and to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. Intimate involvement of the family throughout the pregnancy allows for early bonding of the newly emerging family unit.
The midwife and family will often discuss the mechanics of birth. The more people know about what is going to happen, the more comfortable they will be while awaiting the birth. The midwife interviews the pregnant woman to determine if a high risk situation exits (homebirth may not be a viable option for everyone).
Most homebirth midwives screen out a high risk pregnancy (those with certain special needs or medical conditions such as diabetes or blood disorders or carrying twins or a breech baby) to birth only in the hospital. This process is especially important for families in rural areas many miles from a hospital.
During this time the midwife helps the family to prepare for the birth. The family may want to have a birth plan. This includes a list of what will occur during the birth: special music, food and drink, candles, religious or cultural rituals, who will be in attendance, which room in the home will be the birthing room, what kind of support the mom desires, etc. These steps enable the family to create the atmosphere they want.
Continuity of Care
After the baby is born, the midwife doesn’t go away. She is still accessible for information and support. This can be of great comfort during the postpartum period when moms have questions or problems. The midwife will continue to check in on the mother, baby and family for a usual time frame of six weeks, although some midwives will continue to get calls for much longer. Some families and midwives form lasting friendships based on the joy and trust they shared at birth.
Birth is a well designed process, and most women can give birth easily by trusting in themselves and in their midwives or doctors. It is my goal that the mother would travel the path of natural birth, with its fullness and its unknowns, with the help of midwives.
Emergency Childbirth: When Baby Arrives Before the Midwife or Doctor
Most births are spontaneous and normal. The baby is crafted for survival. Relax and do the following after contacting the midwife or doctor who is on her way:
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Move her to a comfortable place away from the toilet. Call for help.
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Make sure the room is warm and draft free. Remember that baby needs a warm environment. A clean, dry towel and a hat should be ready for the baby.
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Prepare a bowl of warm water with provolone iodine solution and a clean cloth in it. Place a clean under pad under the mother with the paper side next to her skin. Place another empty bowl (to catch the placenta later on) in close proximity together with scissors, gauze, bulb syringe and cord clamp. Put all items gathered on a clean towel.
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Wash your hands thoroughly. Tear open several packs of 4 x 4’s sterile gauze. Put gloves on if available.
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As the head starts emerging, put gentle counter pressure against the bulging perineum. Don’t touch anything except the mother and baby so as not to contaminate. As the baby’s head starts emerging, remind the mother that she will feel the “ring of fire” which is normal.
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Place a gauze 4 x 4 over the mother’s anus, to prevent contamination. wipe the feces away, if necessary, and place a clean 4 x 4 over the anus. Make sure you don’t contaminate the gloves or your hands.
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Ask the mother to pant as the head crowns and is born. Support the mother’s perineum with both hands.
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When head is out, slide your fingers in along the baby’s neck to feel for the umbilical cord. If you feel the cord, try slipping it over the baby’s head. If you can’t, it’s usually not a problem to leave it, unless it is too tight and keeps the baby from coming out.
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If the cord is very tight: with your fingers placed between the baby’s neck and cord, clamp with two hemostats or two cord clamps in two spots an inch apart.
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Make sure you put both clamps on next to each other on the same piece of cord. Carefully cut between the two clamps and unwind the cord from baby’s neck. Keep both clamps on and be sure they are clamped tightly.
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If the bag of waters is still around the baby’s face, as it is born, tear the bag by pinching it apart with your fingers.
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Wipe the baby’s face with a gauze 4 x 4. Use the syringe to suction the baby, if needed. While keeping the bulb syringe squeezed, gently place the tip (sweeping from the side) in baby’s mouth and release the bulb syringe. Spray contents onto a gauze 4 x 4. Do the same for both nostrils.
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Ask the mother to push as the baby rotates to face one of the mother’s leg. With one hand under baby’s head and the other on top of it, exert gentle pressure downward pressure on the baby’s head to facilitate the delivery of the top shoulder.
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When the top shoulder is out about two or three inches, lift upward on the baby’s head to help the bottom shoulder come out. The baby’s body will follow. Hold the baby (with her/his face down) with your two hands since the baby is slippery.
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Place the baby on mother’s belly with mom lying on her back and both in tummy to tummy position. Cover the baby and put her/his hat on. Make sure you don’t pull the umbilical cord.
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As soon as the cord stops pulsating, you can cut the cord. Attach cord clamp securely 1/2 inch from baby’s belly button. Place gauze under the cord. Cut cord 1/2 inch away from the clamp on the other side (away from the baby).
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Baby should be pink. If baby is bluish, white or limp and not crying, do the following: Run your fingers up the baby’s spine, massaging vigorously. Flick baby’s feet with your fingers. Having mother talk to baby, continue the above. Keep baby warm and dry.
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If baby is still not responding and it has been one minute since birth, begin mouth to mouth resuscitation with gentle puffs from your cheeks. Keep baby warm and dry and have someone call the emergency personnel.
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Watch for signs that the placenta is detaching such as a gush of blood, the cord gets longer and mother feels more contractions.
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When the above happens: wrap gauze around section of the cord, so it’s not so slick. Place opposite hand against mother’s pubic bone and press gently inward and upward. Ask mother to give little push with the next contraction. using gentle cord traction, guide the cord downward as you see the placenta start to emerge, lift upward with the cord to help placenta out.
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Wipe and warm the baby by wrapping the baby well and putting the baby on mother’s breast, apply CPR if necessary, wait for the midwife or doctor to cut the cord, let the mother massage her uterus and stay with the mother.
Cost of Having a Baby
Childbirth makes up one fifth of all health care expenditures1 and is the most frequent cause for hospital admission2.The cesarean section rate in the home birth study was 3%, whereas the national average was 22.6% in 1991 and 20.6% in 19963. The cost doubles with the following: having a baby in the hospital, formula-feeding, using disposable diapers, hiring a nanny or babysitter, use of crib and other brand names baby foods and baby products. Anderson and Greener4 found unusually high rates of breastfeeding among homebirthed babies. As formula-fed babies are known to have higher morbidity rates5,6, the cost of future medications, doctor visits, and hospitalizations could be lower for home-birthed children.
The actual cost of having a new baby is minimal when the following is chosen: homebirth, midwifery care, breastfeeding for at least a year or more, cloth diapers, stay-at-home mom, infant massage, sleeping with the baby in the family bed, and less use of any accessory or gadgets.
When I have my first baby and second baby, all born at home I was able to save on a lot of things. Friends gave used infant clothes and accessories. I bought baby clothes and accessories from garage sales and discounted places and made some of them too. I saved the biggest chunk of my money by delivering my babies at home with midwives. My health insurance company was glad that it only cost them $2,300 for my homebirth. There are a lot of intangible benefits from my choices of getting care, use of nutritious food combinations and herbs, massage, childbirth classes and many more relaxing walks and exercises. I don’t have to have an episiotomy – a cut, a big tear on my perineum, too much bleeding, anesthesia, Caesarian operation, and other unnecessary medical procedures.
My baby doesn’t have to have Vitamin K injection, male circumcision, not traumatized during birth, not forceped or forced by other means during birth (such as induction) or c-sectioned, brought to me and stayed on my side from birth onwards, massaged by my hands, fed on my breasts, no water or sugar during the first weeks of life, no bottle and pacifier to confuse my breasts, easy to soothe, a calm and healthy full term baby allowed to stay inside my womb for the full term of about 38 weeks. I am glad to share all these things with other moms for only in sharing do we pass on the sacred birth experience to loving generations to come.
References:
1 Mushinski M. Average charges for uncomplicated vaginal, cesarean and VBAC deliveries; regional variations, United States, 1996. Stat Bull Metro Insur Co 1998; July-Sept:17-28.
2 Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Trends in lengths of stay for nonhospital deliveries – United States, 1970-1992. MMWR 1995; 44:335-7.
3 Mushinski M. Average charges for uncomplicated vaginal, cesarean and VBAC deliveries; regional variations, United States, 1993. Stat Bull Metro Insur Co 1994; Oct-Dec:27-36.
4 Anderson RE, Greener DA. A descriptive analysis of home births attended by CNMs in two nurse-midwifery services. J Nurse Midwifery 1991;36:95-8.
5 Riordan J. The cost of not breastfeeding: a commentary. J Hum Lactation 1997;13:93-7.
6 Walker M. A first look at the risk of artificial infant feeding. J Hum Lactation 1993;9:97.
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Computer Clean Up using CCLEANER and MALWARE BYTES
Dominic when he was 3 yrs old
My 19-yr old son, Dominic, a computer technician had installed CCLEANER and MALWARE BYTES in my computer that I run every other day and gets to clean up MB of garbage in my computer.
This year, we clean up our house, our life, our computer in preparation for the new year.
We can create a habit of allowing only things in our life that will not add to the unnecessary garbage later on.
We promise and resolve to be a brand new person in 2014.
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Plan for a long life
Plan for a long life
If we live, long, do we have enough retirement money? If we die young, do we have sufficient estate to leave the next generation to pay for mortgage and other expenses? If we have health threats like stroke, cancer or long term disability, do we have the reserve that will prevent foreclosure of our house and replace our lost income?
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Infant Massage
Touch and massage are simple forms of communication.
The baby’s skin is more sensitive than that of an adult. Massage lightly with the surface of your fingers and palm. Start from the hands and feet.
Use calendula oil or another natural, light oil such as Almond or Arnica oil. This oil can be used as postnatal care:
• loosen and relaxes the new baby
• gently removes the cradle cap on baby’s head
• protects baby’s delicate skin
Other aromatherapy oil for postnatal care can consist of St John’s Wort, Arnica, Calendula oil, Betula, Vitamin E and pure essential oils of Chamomile, Lavender, Rosemary, sweet Almond, and oil of argan, coconut,apricot and Olive.
A parent’s loving touch helps grow each cell in the baby’s body.
Preventing pre-term birth, during pregnancy
Premature labor occurs when gestation is less than 37 weeks. As the blood volume expands to 50-60% of the blood (especially for twins), there is a need for more protein, vitamin E and B, iron (not iron salts), water and other minerals.
Premature labor is most often due to poor nutrition which predisposes women to infections and other precipitating factors. Healthy, well-nourished women have intermittent, strong Braxton-hicks contractions from about 34 weeks (and often sooner), lasting until term. Sometimes these practice contractions last for hours at a time. Primary prevention includes: eating healthy food, stopping of smoking/alcohol consumption, treating vaginal infections and other infections early (urinary, kidney, etc.), preventing anemia, adequate prenatal care, avoiding prolonged standing or work-related stress and other emotional stress.
One friend of mine is a vegan, multigravid mother who delivered a full-term infant weighing 7 lbs. last August 1996 in Santa Cruz. She had two births with premature infants, both weighing 5 lb. at 36th weeks gestation. The third healthy full term baby had no problems with sucking and jaundice as compared to his two old brothers who were born at 36 weeks and had problems with sucking and jaundice.
When my friend was pregnant for her third child, she had episodes of nausea during the first trimester which she ignored and continued on eating healthy food. She educated herself in midwifery care and wellness to keep a healthy baby. She is herself a student midwife who saw two midwives for her regular prenatal visits. In the 16th week of her pregnancy, she felt strong cramping and mucus discharge. She is aware of her previous premature births, her low socioeconomic lifestyle, her platypelloid (unusual) pelvis and her short cervix, all precursors to premature births.
This time she rested when her body complained of pain after a heavy household chore, riding in a bike or a bout with a flu or infection. She had a body and foot massage and used 2particular herbs (in capsule form) which can prevent a miscarriage: red raspberry and wild yam. She took the herbs for less than 10 days and in the 31st week of her pregnancy she felt strong and consistent contractions. Determined to have a full term baby, she was taking things slowly especially household chores, taking more rest and eating nutritious food and especially hydrating or drinking lots of filtered water every hour. She listened to her midwives and stopped breastfeeding her toddler when she learned of her pregnancy and stopped sex during the last trimester.
At 37 weeks and 3 days, she felt that labor was starting and called her midwives. Rocking herself on the chair for a few hours and staying on hands and knees few minutes before the baby came, she felt the pain which lasted for a good 15 minutes and she birthed a 7 pounds baby boy to her delight. When asked about her pregnancy and carrying a full term baby, she said she could have carried the baby even longer had she rested and worked with less stress.
Overall she is happy that all her tuning in to her body and providing proper nutrition for her baby inside her womb paid off in the end.
Mother’s Love
The time of motherhood is an essential time to form the essential bonding and attachment that makes loving generations of people. Mothers who are nurtured during pregnancy will be better nurturers themselves. Seek the company of women believers in natural birth and conscious mothering and most especially your partner. Pray, meditate and visualize…
Let there be light
Each day is an opportunity to gather strength
To face the new role of motherhood
From whatever blessings we have
Let them help us to unveil the shrouded veil of fear
For at the end it is still God who turns on the light
It is in knowing what is expected during pregnancy, labor, and the first year of taking care of our baby that mothers feel the strength to carry on the new role. Be glad to join in the work of creation In the unfolding of a new life from the joining of a male and a female. Powered by the higher force, the same Almighty hand that brought forth our parents’ lives. And all our mothers and fathers before, a miracle of life grows within you.
“You with faith and hope, can bring and nurture the new life into the world. Pregnancy curves a new place in my being; all of me must unite and work to nurture and contain my baby.” Esperanza, a mother of six
Each pregnancy is unique and brings in some special individuality and a new set of experiences. We as mothers can make it through the journey with grace and acceptance if we let ourselves listen to our bodies.
“The most important thing you should carry when you are pregnant is a happy disposition. Don’t allow any worries to weigh you down, for your baby breaths and feels with you.” Claudia, a mother of seven
Don’t be misled by advertising, by the routine medical practices in hospitals or by health care givers, by the current culture – entrenched ideas that tell us more of the unnatural ways of birthing by mothers and feeding babies.
Mothers know what is best for their bodies and their babies. Tuning in to their bodies and feeling their babies inside their wombs help them get the needed strength at the most intense part of their lives.
Believe that you can surrender to the successful works of creation with wisdom and conscious preparation. Connect with mothers before us and with childbirth professionals (midwives, educators, labor support, doctors) and especially midwives who believe in our bodies.
From mothers around the world who care about other mothers, let’s examine what wisdom we can learn from them. The more we understand the needs of mothers and babies the more we become good parents. We take care of our babies the way we have been cared for by our parents and then more towards perfection as we apply ways that work better. Babies brings not only the intense happiness of being parents, they are also our genetic afterlife. We must acknowledge the importance of how we prepare ourselves as pregnant mothers and how we birth our babies, for they make up an important experience for babies and most of all for mothers.
As we look at the important changes in a woman and as we look into the eyes of babies, we will realize that motherhood is an important task and that babies are responsive to their environment. We can create a good environment for both mothers and babies by becoming aware of our decisions and choices from the time of conception onward.
Pregnancy – a sacred experience
One day as I was strolling in downtown San Jose with my husband, a man bowed down in front of me. I was on my last trimester of pregnancy then. As I recall this episode to one of my mother friends who was raised in Russia, she related how in her culture people believed in the sacredness of fertility and pregnancy. I know that in the Philippines women who want to get pregnant sometimes flock to the street of a famous town to dance and sing to a patron saint. It is known that praying and chanting to the Saint brings not only fertility but a successful birth.
Over many generations we have changed in the way we view pregnancy and birth. Blessed are those mothers who are exposed to a culture which allows the woman’s body to use its full capacity to deliver babies. Some mothers have seen how other mothers breastfeed their babies as a natural part of mothering. We who have lived in the industrialized communities assigned the caring of pregnant mothers to the professional community of health care givers. We ridicule those who are old fashioned and traditional, knowing that our current knowledge is enough to make babies.
I who believe in technology, and my husband who is so progressive in many ways, have both struggled in planning for my pregnancies. Even my husband who believes in natural foods, protecting the environment, and the lesser use of technology did not agree with homebirth and midwives at first. But after learning that the midwifery model of care is what birthing women need, he changed his perception about midwives, who are really the keepers of natural birth, powers of women’s bodies during birth, breastfeeding, family bed, and conscious parenting. He even decisively agreed not to circumcise our son.
For Mothers: Life is a set of choices that can either make or break our passage into a more rewarding one. As mothers you are endowed with the capacity to birth beyond your imagination.
My dear sister and friend don’t be surprised about the power of your body to birth life! Do you want to celebrate? Do you feel overwhelmed with the fact that you are carrying life in your womb? Are you scared or feeling some sense of responsibility? My friend, don’t be afraid, for your body is designed to carry life.
Know that there are resources around you that will help you nurture the life inside you. Talking to many grandmas, mothers, my own mother, midwives and other health care professionals prepared me for the coming of my new baby. Books (see Authors), support groups, childbirth classes, and my partner’s assistance in seeing to it that I get my daily exercise of pelvic rocks, walks, swims and excellent nutrition from natural sources provided the right environment for my new baby. Your new baby needs your positive energy and sense of well being.
Welcome to the world of mothers. Mother you will now be called. Isn’t it uplifting to know that you are carrying new life within you? In the months ahead of you, you will feel very sensitive emotionally and physically. This is because of the varying levels of hormones during your pregnancy. The nine months of pregnancy allows you to understand yourself and appreciate the strength that comes with carrying a growing life within you. Many first time mothers are anxious to deliver their babies and that’s ok.
Your partner
This period is an important time for yourself and your husband to bond to each other. This bonding will help you through the demands of caring for a newborn. Both you and your partner will feel the rewards of parenting which only you and your partner know. It is important that your partner should take part in your activities and plans. Your partner will then feel that sense of responsibility and will be an even better ally.
Pregnancy Humor
|
Question |
Answer |
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Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? |
Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all. |
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What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control? |
A misconception. |
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What is the difference between a Direct Entry Midwife (DEM) and a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)? |
Seven years of education for CNM and at least seven years of apprenticeship for DEM. |
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Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? |
Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking. |
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What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? |
Have sex once a year. |
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What is a chastity belt? |
A labor-saving device. |
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What is the most common pregnancy craving? |
For men to be the ones who get pregnant. |
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I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? |
Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long. |
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What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? |
Childbirth. |
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My blood type is type O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? |
Then the jig is up.
|
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Should I have a baby after 35 (no need for unnecessary tests if you think you are healthy)? |
No, 35 children is enough |
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My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? |
Your therapist. |
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I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? |
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
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How would I know that my bag of waters broke? |
When you taste it and it is not salty. |
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How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? |
If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. |
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My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? |
The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. |
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Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory? |
I don’t remember. |
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Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? |
Yes, your bladder and your brain (latest research according to a CAT scan). |
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Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? |
Depends on what your doing with them. |
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The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
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A. Cause your fatter than they are. |
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My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. |
So what’s your question?
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Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? |
No, but your husband might get on your nerves. |
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Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy (semen contains prostaglandin – hormone, which stimulate labor) bring on labor?
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When the sex is between your husband and another woman. |
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What’s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? |
Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him. |
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What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? |
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. |
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What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman? |
Brute force. |
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When is the best time to get an epidural (drug injected to mom or added in the IV that depresses the baby and slows labor for some mothers)? |
Right after you find out you are pregnant. |
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Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? |
Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you. |
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How long is the average woman in labor (it takes 10-30 minutes for some second-time mothers)? |
Whatever she says, divided by two. |
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I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? |
Authorized personnel only—doctors, nurses, odorless, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc. |
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What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning (burning sensation in mom’s puss signaling the baby’s head is coming out)? |
It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you.
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What are forceps (metal that pulls baby out since mom can’t push after she is given drugs for pain relief or other measures)? |
Giant baby tweezers that can hurt a baby if not careful used. |
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Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields or in a van? |
Not on purpose. |
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Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? |
Yes, pregnancy. |
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Does labor cause hemorrhoids? |
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. |
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Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised (baby’s foreskin has about six functional nerves)? |
When it’s a girl, for starters. |
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Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? |
Yes, baby lips. |
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Why is standing the best position when delivering a breech baby (feet first)? |
Gravity. |
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Why does is take some time to deliver a baby boy than a baby girl even when in squatting position? |
Wider chest circumference for boys. |
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When would I know the day that true labor comes? |
When your weight is about half a pound less. |
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What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? |
It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. |
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Why is nipple stimulation used to induce labor? |
It releases the sex hormones which initiate labor. |
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How does one sanitize nipples? |
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. |
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What are the terrible twos (toddlers at age 2 yr. old)? |
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. |
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What is the best time to wean (stop) the baby from nursing? |
When you see teeth marks or when dad wants mom’s breast for himself only. |
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What is the grasp reflex (ability of newborn at birth to grasp things tightly)? |
The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts. |
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Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? |
Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. |
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Where is the best place to store breast milk? |
In your breasts. |
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What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away? |
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare. |
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Why should dim lights be used during homebirth? |
Baby wants the same environment as much as possible as inside mom’s belly. |
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Do I have to have a baby shower (party for mom before the baby arrives)? |
Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. |
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Why did the newborn stopped cyring during circumcision? |
He lost the sense of trust around him after cyring for pain and nobody cared. |
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What causes baby blues (mild postpartum depression after birth)? |
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. |
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Nannies aren’t cheap are they? |
Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy. |
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What is colic (baby crying intensely)? |
A reminder for new parents to use birth control. |
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Why is mom lying on her back when in labor which counters gravity? |
For doctor’s convenience. |
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Why does it take a long time for baby to be delivered when mom is flat on the bed? |
Baby has to climb a hill before coming out. |
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What are night terrors? |
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again. |
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Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? |
When the kids are in college. |
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My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure (muscles and ligaments tightening up to push baby out). Is she right? |
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. |