We cannot change a man, our happiness is our priority

happy.JPGWe cannot change or wait for a man to make us their priority, our happiness is our priority.

My girlfriend waited for a man who did not make her happiness a priority and receive no affection.

So, I told her that her happiness is her priority. She cannot change him or wait for him to make her his priority. She received no affection for 2 years waiting for him to come back.

Because she thinks that her life as divorce woman is now totally different from the past including her social activities. She said he is controlling that no white woman can put up with him. She raised her children alone and never received any help in parenting from the father who is now separated from her and been with so many different women. She thinks he will change. He did not.

Be free ladies. We are here to receive happiness from what we do, the love we share with others. If the love does not come back, let that person be free for he is getting what he wants from others.

Let your future be free from bondage of any contractual agreement that you are not receiving the benefit of happiness and joy, only obligation.

We are in the current society that women must not be obligated to do duties alone and keep giving without receiving love back.

Women must keep their happiness a priority. In doing this, love will enter your house as you love yourself first and no man can step all over you like a piece of rug.

Love yourself and you will find your soul mate. Keep the positive spirit, contentment and love and spread it and it will come back a hundred fold.

Be blessed,

Connie

Marriage May Help Stave Off Dementia

Marriage May Help Stave Off Dementia

Summary: Widowers and life-long single people are at higher risk of developing dementia, a new study reports.

Source: BMJ.

Marriage may lower the risk of developing dementia, concludes a synthesis of the available evidence published online in the Journal of Neurology Neurosurgery & Psychiatry.

Lifelong singletons and widowers are at heightened risk of developing the disease, the findings indicate, although single status may no longer be quite the health hazard it once seemed to be, the researchers acknowledge.

They base their findings on data from 15 relevant studies published up to the end of 2016. These looked at the potential role of marital status on dementia risk, and involved more than 800,000 participants from Europe, North and South America, and Asia.

Married people accounted for between 28 and 80 per cent of people in the included studies; the widowed made up between around 8 and 48 per cent; the divorced between 0 and 16 per cent; and lifelong singletons between 0 and 32.5 per cent.

Pooled analysis of the data showed that compared with those who were married, lifelong singletons were 42 per cent more likely to develop dementia, after taking account of age and sex.

Part of this risk might be explained by poorer physical health among lifelong single people, suggest the researchers.

However, the most recent studies, which included people born after 1927, indicated a risk of 24 per cent, which suggests that this may have lessened over time, although it is not clear why, say the researchers.

The widowed were 20 per cent more likely to develop dementia than married people, although the strength of this association was somewhat weakened when educational attainment was factored in.

But bereavement is likely to boost stress levels, which have been associated with impaired nerve signalling and cognitive abilities, the researchers note.

No such associations were found for those who had divorced their partners, although this may partly be down to the smaller numbers of people of this status included in the studies, the researchers point out.

But the lower risk among married people persisted even after further more detailed analysis, which, the researchers suggest, reflects “the robustness of the findings.”

These findings are based on observational studies so no firm conclusions about cause and effect can be drawn, and the researchers point to several caveats, including the design of some of the included studies, and the lack of information on the duration of widowhood or divorce.

Nevertheless, they proffer several explanations for the associations they found. Marriage may help both partners to have healthier lifestyles, including exercising more, eating a healthy diet, and smoking and drinking less, all of which have been associated with lower risk of dementia.

Image shows people getting married.

Couples may also have more opportunities for social engagement than single people–a factor that has been linked to better health and lower dementia risk, they suggest.

In a linked editorial, Christopher Chen and Vincent Mok, of, respectively, the National University of Singapore and the Chinese University of Hong Kong, suggest that should marital status be added to the list of modifiable risk factors for dementia, “the challenge remains as to how these observations can be translated into effective means of dementia prevention.”

The discovery of potentially modifiable risk factors doesn’t mean that dementia can easily be prevented, they emphasise.

“Therefore, ways of destigmatising dementia and producing dementia-friendly communities more accepting and embracing of the kinds of disruptions that dementia can produce should progress alongside biomedical and public health programmes,” they conclude.

ABOUT THIS NEUROSCIENCE RESEARCH ARTICLE

Source: Caroline White – BMJ
Publisher: Organized by NeuroscienceNews.com.
Image Source: NeuroscienceNews.com image is in the public domain.
Original Research: Full open access research for “Marriage and risk of dementia: systematic review and meta-analysis of observational studies” by Andrew Sommerlad, Joshua Ruegger, Archana Singh-Manoux, Glyn Lewis, and Gill Livingston in Journal of Neurology Neurosurgery & Psychiatry. Published online November 27 2017 doi:10/30/jnnp-2017-316274

CITE THIS NEUROSCIENCENEWS.COM ARTICLE
BMJ “Marriage May Help Stave Off Dementia.” NeuroscienceNews. NeuroscienceNews, 29 November 2017.
<http://neurosciencenews.com/marriage-dementia-8057/&gt;.

Abstract

Marriage and risk of dementia: systematic review and meta-analysis of observational studies

Background Being married is associated with healthier lifestyle behaviours and lower mortality and may reduce risk for dementia due to life-course factors. We conducted a systematic review and meta-analysis of studies of the association between marital status and the risk of developing dementia.

Methods We searched medical databases and contacted experts in the field for relevant studies reporting the relationship, adjusted for age and sex, between marital status and dementia. We rated methodological quality and conducted random-effects meta-analyses to summarise relative risks of being widowed, divorced or lifelong single, compared with being married. Secondary stratified analyses with meta-regression examined the impact of clinical and social context and study methodology on findings.

Results We included 15 studies with 812 047 participants. Compared with those who are married, lifelong single (relative risk=1.42 (95% CI 1.07 to 1.90)) and widowed (1.20 (1.02 to 1.41)) people have elevated risk of dementia. We did not find an association in divorced people.

Further analyses showed that less education partially confounds the risk in widowhood and worse physical health the elevated risk in lifelong single people. Compared with studies that used clinical registers for ascertaining dementia diagnoses, those which clinically examined all participants found higher risk for being unmarried.

Conclusions Being married is associated with reduced risk of dementia than widowed and lifelong single people, who are also underdiagnosed in routine clinical practice. Dementia prevention in unmarried people should focus on education and physical health and should consider the possible effect of social engagement as a modifiable risk factor.

“Marriage and risk of dementia: systematic review and meta-analysis of observational studies” by Andrew Sommerlad, Joshua Ruegger, Archana Singh-Manoux, Glyn Lewis, and Gill Livingston in Journal of Neurology Neurosurgery & Psychiatry. Published online November 27 2017 doi:10/30/jnnp-2017-316274

8 Ways Women Control How Happy their Marriages are by Jenna Birch

A wonderful marriage depends upon a lot of things. But the biggest factor just may be you. A new study from the University of California, Berkeley, showed wives tend to control the happiness of their unions, especially when it comes to diffusing conflict. “Women have more influence than they realize,” says marriage therapist Carin Goldstein, creator of BeTheSmartWife.com. “Men are reactive, while wives are introspective and take a more effective approach.” Beyond disagreements, you’re likely to be more adept at helping your marriage in the following areas. Photo by Getty Images.

1. With the in-laws. Besides having an innate desire to nurture relationships, “women are typically better at picking up familial nuances and dynamics,” says Match.com relationship expert Whitney Casey. That’s why it makes sense for you to take the lead on connecting with in-laws. Set times to spend with them (and apart from them) and establish what is and isn’t acceptable with them-and between your husband and them. But it’s not your job to repair flawed relationships your partner might have. Instead, “love your husband through his family issues and do your best to keep him and your children happy,” Casey recommends.

2. With sex. No, we don’t mean only you should call the shots during the deed. To love your sex life, you must “discuss what you both expect,” Casey explains. Since women are usually more comfortable tackling sensitive topics, start the conversation. And if you’re not getting busy as often as you’d like, casually plan on it after scheduled date nights; guys don’t set sexy time in advance because they think the lack of spontaneity takes the “sexy” right out. To feel sexier and enjoy yourself more, prep for a romp with “a manicure, massage or even yoga,” Casey suggests-anything that gets your mind off daily tasks.

Related: Discover 8 secrets of sexually satisfied couples.

3. With travel plans. Women are natural planners-“it’s the gathering mentality,” Goldstein explains-so if your last vacation alone with your husband was your honeymoon, consider getting away again. Goldstein says trips are the most overlooked way to rev your relationship. “Women don’t do it because they’re afraid to leave the kids or afraid they won’t have fun with their spouse,” says Goldstein, who assures these fears are almost always overblown. Sometimes, you need special, focused time to reconnect as a couple-even if you can swing only a night or two away.

4. With conversation. While you’re a pro at gabbing with your girlfriends, men don’t generally share their feelings. Yet it’s a good emotional release for your husband. But he’ll open up only if the atmosphere is right, which is something you can enable. “Men take in information in small doses,” says clinical psychologist Andra Brosh, PhD. “They shut down when overwhelmed. Timing is everything.” Right after any stressful situation, like work, is not the golden hour for chatting. “Ask him if there’s a good time to talk,” Dr. Brosh says, and assure him you don’t have anything serious to discuss so he doesn’t worry.

5. With housework. Little-known fact: Most men want to be useful to their wives. Still, studies show women oversee family chores more often than guys. If you’re not getting the assistance you’d like from your man, “calmly tell him where you need help and why,” advises marriage and family therapist Erin Foster, EdD. “Husbands often don’t know how they can help, and therefore do nothing rather than do something wrong.” He’ll appreciate the hint and likely start pitching in.

6. With time apart. To grow together, you must tackle your personal needs as they arise. But you’re better than he is at detecting when you need a break from each other. Be the one to call timeout. “Time apart creates healthy space for each partner to actually miss the other,” Dr. Brosh says. It can rejuvenate your relationship-and yourself. So plan that girls’ spa trip, and suggest he see his buddies. When you return home, show your man just how happy you are to be back.

7. With the kids. Science says women naturally exhibit maternal instincts, but men may need a nudge into the parenting fold since they see “strong mother-and-child bonds” right from pregnancy, says Dr. Foster. She suggests encouraging your husband to establish loving norms with the kids, from gentle discipline to daddy-daughter/son dinners. “This creates a sense of safety within the family unit,” Dr. Foster says. “When children know what’s expected of them from parents working as a team, they’re less likely to act out.” And that reduces conflict between you and your husband, she adds.

8. With shaking things up. Novelty is the key to a happy relationship, and men especially crave it. “Routines are nice, and why many people want to be in a relationship, but they can also be binding and lead to complacency,” says Dr. Brosh. Concoct a way to connect that you’ll both enjoy-going on a day trip, seeing a concert or simply sneaking up behind him for a long, lingering embrace. The bottom line: Occasionally, just do something unexpected.

A message on Love by Curtis J. Milhaupt

The calendar entry for Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2011, reads simply, “Love One Another.” My wife, Terry, handed me the entry, a leaf torn from a pad, that morning. A drawing beneath the caption depicts a late middle-aged couple embracing as they walk down the beach, eyes sparkling, mouths agape, sharing a hearty laugh. The sun is setting behind them, throwing glitter across the water. Since Terry gave it to me nearly two years ago, that calendar page has remained on my desk in our bedroom, placed so that I see it every time I pass by.

I’m not exactly sure why I saved that particular entry, of the many given to me over the years by Terry, a lover of pithy sayings. Perhaps it was the powerful simplicity of the message. Or perhaps it was the promise it represented: golden years shared with a loving companion. This idea was becoming more poignant as middle age set in and Conrad, our only child, entered high school. Seeing the drawing sometimes made the bittersweet foretaste of empty-nesthood more palatable.

Or perhaps I saved it because coincidentally, on that particular day, we were headed to Hawaii, Terry’s home state, still filled with family and childhood friends. Walking along the beach was one of our favorite things to do, both as a couple and as a family. Waking early in the fog of jet lag, Terry, Conrad and I would buy takeout breakfast at Zippy’s and crouch at the water’s edge to eat as the sun rose over Kailua Bay near Terry’s childhood home. Walking along the beach, feeling the cool, wet sand under our feet as the sun warmed our faces, we were happy and grateful and content.

These days, a small, silver religious medal lies atop that calendar entry on my desk. Terry was wearing it last fall on the day she took her own life, the victim of a devastating depression that gripped her out of nowhere and pulled her into a darkness from which she felt there was no escape.

Her illness was a menopausal version of a terrifying episode of postpartum depression she suffered after Conrad was born. Terry once said the only thing that saved her during that first episode was the maternal instinct — knowing that her baby needed her in order to survive. In a sense, Conrad’s infant vulnerability kept his mother alive through that ordeal. This time, Terry became submerged in a deep melancholia that doctors later said may have been brought on or aggravated by the hormonal changes of menopause. Although she was receiving treatment and was about to see a specialist in women’s mental health issues, Terry became convinced that Conrad and I would be better off without her — without a mother and wife stricken by an unbearable, invisible weight pressing down on her heart. This state of mind, unfathomable to healthy people, is a common symptom of major depression, as William Styron’s wrenching first-person account, “Darkness Visible,” makes clear. Cancer of the spirit, as insidious as any of the varieties that attack the flesh, stole a woman who embodied the radiance and beauty of her island home.

Walking past that calendar entry now, staggered by a wave of grief, I feel as if the couple’s laughter is mocking me. Those joyous cartoon characters strolling arm in arm along the beach appear to be a cruel caricature of my lost future.

In better moments, the whimsy of the drawing reminds me of the wonderful serendipity of our own romance: a scruffy college sophomore from rural Wisconsin meeting an enchanting 21-year-old woman from Hawaii in front of a train station in Tokyo. The aging cartoon couple calls to mind the nearly 30 years of life Terry and I shared after that first encounter, years full of travel (25 countries together, by my count), professional striving (mostly my own) and the day-to-day challenges of child rearing and household life, punctuated by an occasional triumph, like Terry’s completion of her Ph.D dissertation in art history after years as a full-time mother. Our marriage had the typical imperfections of any deep relationship forged over time through a continuous process of negotiation and compromise. We knew disappointments and doldrums. But across the decades, we built something truly worthy of celebrating with an embrace and shared laughter in the sunset.

I plan to keep that calendar entry right where it is on the desk in my bedroom, for as long as it lasts. As my son and I adapt to the new configuration of our family, and as I try to envision a future through the ashes of my plans for the “golden years,” that scrap of paper reminds me of something else, uplifting and joyous — the most beautiful of scripture passages, recited at countless weddings throughout the ages, including our own: Love endures all things. Love never ends.

Curtis J. Milhaupt is a professor at Columbia Law School.

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Now that I have a teenage daughter, I have to apply the same beliefs and walk my talk

Your choice of a marriage partner starts when you choose whom to date

What does dating have to do with whom you choose to marry? Most people don’t date people whose company they don’t enjoy. If you enjoy someone’s company, it’s very likely infatuation or even love might enter the relationship. Once that happens, after an emotional tie forms, you might think religion doesn’t matter. When our emotions stifle the messages our brains try to send, we leave ourselves vulnerable to making bad decisions that can destroy our lives and those of our children.

Long before we start to date, we should consider the kind of marriage we want to have. If you have a vibrant faith or adhere strongly to a religion, it is probably an important part of who you are. You will probably want to raise your children in your faith, worship with your spouse, and maybe have devotions as a family. Your faith may determine how you want to spend your money and your time. It may determine how you expect to spend the holidays you normally celebrate. But if you are dating someone who does not share your faith, and you fall in love, your road will not be a smooth one. If you are a Christian, you would be wise to limit your dating to Christians. It will lessen your chances of marrying a man who does not share your values and beliefs. It will lessen your chances of having God’s best in your marriage. Your parents may have told you that. Your church may have told you that. But when we are young, we don’t always listen. After all, we reason, it’s just a date. I’m not going to marry him (or her).

http://wannabwriter.hubpages.com/hub/when-a-christian-marries-a-non-christian

Connie’s comments: I am gathering comments from all of you , even stories. I know in many movies, love overpowers faith, but in reality faith and love go together.

In my caregiving business, I have interviewed many couple who were together for over 50 yrs and they told me that they respect each other and love each other that divorce is not an option, even when they belong to two different churches. In most cases the other partner converts to the faith of the spouse.

Knowing the person each day and loving that person with all of his/her persona, takes many trial and error until we discover ourselves in the process. A complete person takes the challenge, applies what to be learned from a given situation and let love prevail in the end. Loving ourselves first before we can truly love another. For happiness is the sum of acceptance, love, forgiveness and positive intention.

I still choose the intricacies of being in love, finding love and even losing love, for at the end the journey one takes in the process of finding love is memory that can be savored in a lifetime.

Love begets love, faith begets faith.