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John Bogle’s book- The Little Book of Common Sense Investing, a review by Trent

Chapter 1: A Parable

You can read this first chapter in its entirety on John Bogle’s personal site, but suffice it to say that much of the chapter focuses on a retelling of Warren Buffett’s classic tale of the Gotrocks and the Helpers. In a nutshell, the point of the tale is that individuals that you have to pay to help you make wise investment choices are actually taking money away from you instead of helping you make more money. The moral is, in Buffett’s words, that for investors as a whole, returns decrease as motion increases. An effective individual investor should thus look for steady investments with few middlemen – and middlemen that charge minimally for their services.

Chapter 2: Rational Exuberance

From the Gotrocks parable of the first chapter, Bogle attempts to apply the lesson of the story to stocks. He compares, over the long term, the return on investment for businesses versus the return on investment for stocks and finds that their correlation is very tight. What does that mean? Over the long haul, an investment in the stock of a business will match the success of the business itself. There may be short term twists in investor emotions, but when you buy a stock for a long haul, you’re buying into the underlying business. Thus, short term stock market investing is a completely different game than long term investing, and Bogle admits to not having an understanding of investor emotion which is required to play the short term game. I guess if you’re interested in short term individual stock picking, turn to someone like Jim Cramer.

Chapter 3: Cast Your Lot With Business

Here, Bogle pulls out Ockham’s razor, which basically states that all things being equal, the simplest solution tends to be the best one. From there, he talks about the general investing strategy of investing in a very wide array of stocks (he uses the S&P 500 as an example) matches the overall success of the stock market over a long term. Then he compares the S&P 500 to large cap funds from other companies and finds that in 26 of the last 35 years, the S&P 500 outpaces the average large cap fund from other companies. Why is this?

Chapter 4: How Most Investors Turn a Winner’s Game into a Loser’s Game

Bogle effectively answers this question in the following chapter by stating that the stock market is a zero-sum game. For every stock that beats the market, there is a stock that doesn’t beat the market. Adding them together matches the market. Common sense, right? For the truly average investor, half of the stocks he or she picks will beat the market, and half will not beat the market, averaging out to the value of the market. However, this is before fees. If you add in fees, the average investor will not beat the market; their return on investment will be less than the market, and substantially less if the fees are high. If the market returns 8% and you’re paying 2.5% in fees, your return is only actually 5.5% – you might as well have your money in a savings account. Thus, this average investor should focus on minimizing fees before anything else.

Chapter 5: The Grand Illusion

This chapter goes in a new direction, demonstrating that emotion is often the cause of additional weakness in investor returns. Investors tend to buy into the stock market as it races upward, but by doing that, they forego a large portion of the gains. Here’s an example. Let’s say that the stock market is at 10,000 at the beginning of 2010. At the beginning of 2011, the stock market is up to 11,000, a gain of 10%. People decide to buy in after seeing the stock market go up, so it continues to go up and attract new investors. At 2013, the market peaks at 13,000, then begins to go back down, bottoming out at the 11,500 mark at the start of 2014. The people in at the beginning, sitting there quietly and calmly, earned an annual average of about 4%, while the people who bought in only when it was going up a year later only earned 2% annually. In other words, calm and steady investing wins the race through market fluctuations.

Chapter 6: Taxes Are Costs, Too

Yet another challenge to the equity investor is that of taxes, which are addressed in Chapter 6. In a nutshell, actively managed mutual funds are terrible from a tax perspective because they regularly must pay distributions – by law, a fund must distribute at least 90% of its realized capital gains and dividend income each year. This means an actively managed fund, which has sold a bunch of stocks throughout the year and made a real gain on them, must pay out 90% of that gain to the holders of the fund. Most people just roll that back into the fund, making their investment value the same, but they must pay capital gains taxes on the amount of the distribution. In other words, the less active management a fund does, the better for the shareholders because there’s a much smaller chance for a distribution at the end of the year. An index fund has only a tiny amount of active management (just to match the index), so they rarely pay out a distribution and thus rarely incur taxes. So, compared to an actively managed mutual fund, an index fund is far better for tax purposes.

Chapter 7: When the Good Times No Longer Roll

Here, the book looks at periods of lower returns, mostly because, as noted at the beginning of the chapter, it is widely believed that we are heading into such an era. In such a period, the real returns of a managed mutual fund will reach 0% far quicker than an index fund will, meaning that you’re much more likely to have periods over the long haul where you lose money in a managed fund than you will with an index fund. It’s easy to find periods where index funds lost money and a particular managed fund had a gain, but those are huge anomalies because of the factors riding against it.

Chapter 8: Selecting Long-Term Winners

This chapter mostly lays out the performance of managed mutual funds over a 35 year period. Over those thirty five years, less than one percent of the funds actually beat the market by more than 2% per year and survived the investor growth that went along with it, and likely over the next thirty five years, none of those funds will be able to repeat the feat due to turnover in fund manager and changing market dynamics. In other words, managed funds over the long haul almost always fail to beat the overall stock market.

Chapter 9: Yesterday’s Winners, Tomorrow’s Losers

What about the short term? Obviously, some funds are better poised to take advantage of boom times in certain areas than others. For example, some funds did a fantastic job of capitalizing on the dot-com boom in the late 1990s, dominating the market in 1998 and 1999. What happened to those funds? Almost universally, they saw incredibly huge collapses in 2000-2002, far exceeding the downturn in the overall market. Even averaging them out results in a return much worse than the market itself. If you are interested in doing a short-term dance, you could make money this way, but investing in specific sectors isn’t a healthy long-term situation.

Chapter 10: Seeking Advice to Select Funds?

So, should you spend money on an investment advisor? This chapter gives a resounding “no.” In fact, most advisors do far, far worse than the market once their fees are calculated in. Instead, just take your cash and invest directly into index funds yourself, and then don’t worry about it. As for me, this is already what I’m doing, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Chapter 11: Focus on the Lowest-Cost Funds

Starting here, the book talks about how you can select a fund of your own, which is a pretty sizable task given the enormous number of funds available out there. How do you start eliminating funds? The first thing you should do is eliminate all funds with high fees. Ignore performance for now because it comes and goes (the lesson of chapters eight through ten), but costs go on forever. To demonstrate how important this is, Bogle takes a huge selection of funds of all types and groups them into four groups based on their fees, and over the long haul the lowest fee group does the best. Why? The performance of all four groups roughly averages out, so the fees make up the difference.

Chapter 12: Profit from the Majesty of Simplicity

Now that you’ve focused in on funds with low fees, the next step that Bogle recommends is to invest in a fund that covers the whole market, like something that indexes with the S&P 500 or the Wilshire 2000. Why? These funds have their feet in every sector, so when a particular sector goes up, you get a boost, but you don’t die when a particular sector goes down, either. The conclusion that comes about here is that your first mutual fund investment, especially one you’re in for the long haul, should be in an index fund that represents the broad market.

Chapter 13: Bond FUnds and Money Market Funds

The premise of this chapter is simple: money market funds and bond funds follow the same trends that stock funds follow. In other words, if you’re going to buy a mutual fund that invests in equities other than stocks, you should also buy a broad-based index fund with low fees. The chapter gives several examples of how this is true.

Chapter 14: Index Funds That Promise to Beat the Market

What about an index fund that’s advertised to beat the market? These funds use some statistical method to select some portion of the market and simply sit on the results of that statistical method. What this really comes down to, though, is the trust you put in this statistical method, and the trust shouldn’t be strong. Why? These methods are based on historical data, and over and over again it is demonstrated that past performance does not indicate future results. Similarly, by using a “filtering” method, this isn’t really an index fund at all, but an actively managed fund using a very simplistic strategy. Bogle advises using the basic investment ideas from chapters 11 and 12 – often, you’ll discover the fees are high or that they don’t broadly cover the market.

Chapter 15: The Exchange Traded Fund

Here, the book talks about exchange traded funds, or mutual funds that are traded on the stock market like normal stocks. Bogle believes that over a long period, these ETFs do match the mutual fund that they’re intended to represent, but that the same rules apply: look for ones that represent the broad market and that you can own for a very low cost. Then hold them. Active trading of these is no different than active trading of ordinary stocks – the fees and taxes will eat you alive.

Chapter 16: What Would Benjamin Graham Have Thought about Indexing?

In this chapter the book begins to wind down. Bogle uses various quotes from Benjamin Graham (the father of value investing) and Warren Buffett to support the idea of investing in index funds – interesting, but not as meaty as the previous chapters.

Chapter 17: “The Relentless Rules of Humble Arithmetic”

This chapter is basically a continuation of the previous one. Bogle cites tons of investors who completely agree with the investment philosophy expressed in the book. Again, little meat, but it does summarize the main points of the book quite well.

Chapter 18: What Should I Do Now?

The book ends with a bang, however, as Bogle lays out what an individual investor should do with the information contained within the book. Obviously, he’s a fan of investing in broad-based index funds with tiny fees, but he also suggests having a small amount of your portfolio (5% or so) in funny money that you can play with. That money should go into things like individual stocks, actively managed funds, ETFs, and commodities like gold. This way, most of your portfolio can float with the market, but you do have the ability to speculate a bit.

Buy or Don’t Buy?

This book does a fantastic job of laying out the reasoning behind a seemingly very simple investing strategy, one that demonstrably works. If you’re interested in learning the basics of a real-world investment philosophy spelled out smoothly enough for the average person to really understand it, buy this book. I must admit that I am also partial to the book because Bogle is describing the investment philosophy that I subscribe to, but I am recommending this book because of the clarity and focus of the writing.

Be warned, however, that this is not a get-rich-quick investment philosophy. This book does not tell you how to beat the stock market, but it does tell you how to match the market over and over again with minimal effort. Because of that, this philosophy is as low-risk as can be for investing in stocks, and thus I would really recommend this book to someone who is just getting their toes wet in investing. More experienced investors may not get nearly as much out of this book because they either already subscribe to this philosophy (or another one) or are seeking a complex investment strategy.

The Little Book of Common Sense Investing is the twenty-sixth of fifty-two books in The Simple Dollar’s series 52 Personal Finance Books in 52 Weeks.

How do you avoid the estimated 50% total taxes from your 401k before you reach 59.5 yrs old?

A qualified plan can be moved to another qualified plan (tax deferred).

After moving to a qualified plan such as an Index Annuity (with up to 13% return),

You can use the yearly return to fund your Index Strategy UL, with tax-free accumulation.

For those who do not have a 401k or self-funded retirement plan, there are many ways to a retirement plan.

Starting at 30,40,50,or 60 yrs of age is still doable, with your conviction to save long term, conservatively.

I met a doctor once who was selling the mountain he bought in Los Gatos.

And he said, I made more money in real estate than being a doctor.

There was a couple who started buying real estate to be rented out before they live in the third house they bought.

In the Philippines, sending all the children to college is the norm, even selling the only property they have.

Education brings wealth, an 8-5 job is a must, our parents told us.

As young people save in high-risk investments, they have to learn their lessons the hard way.

We have to have peace of mind with our savings, investments and wealth.

Our goal is to build an estate for the next generation and retire early, comfortably.

It is not too late for anyone wishing to maximize their wealth and minimize taxes, call 408-854-1883

Connie Dello Buono, CA Life Lic 0G60621

motherhealth@gmail.com

1708 Hallmark Lane , San Jose, CA 95124

What inspires you to wake up early morn to a job or a business

These are the reasons that inspires most of us to succeed no matter what
Retiring your wife, your mother or yourself from the corporate world
To be an expert in your field of endeavor
To learn new skills, to find new answers and to be significant
Sending your teens to college
Building your dream house
Retiring early
Living life with prosperity, good relationships and good karma

Your inspirations charges you to work hard, to wake up every morning
As if it is a new day, to meet challenges face to face
To not waver when the tough gets going
But to brace up and get the courage to continue on your journey
Helping yourself to learn new skills and be an expert
Helping others save money
Helping the company be a cutting edge technology
Helping seniors as caregiver
Doing volunteer work
Healing the sick
To be significant

————
If you cannot find the strength to move on, think of all the reasons why you are doing what you are doing
Your inspirations that motivate you each day.
I am into building relationships and making each one I met achieve their retirement savings, tax free.
If you believe that we can help others maximize their wealth and minimize taxes, join me.
Call 408-854-1883 motherhealth@gmail.com
Connie Dello Buono
CA Life Lic 0G60621
motherhealth@gmail.com

Your thoughts create your reality by Pam Grout

E-Squared could best be described as a lab manual with simple experiments to prove once and for all that reality is malleable, that consciousness trumps matter, and that you shape your life with your mind. Rather than take it on faith, you are invited to conduct nine 48-hour experiments to prove there really is a positive, loving, totally hip force in the universe. Yes, you read that right. It says prove.

The experiments, each of which can be conducted with absolutely no money and very little time expenditure, demonstrate that spiritual principles are as dependable as gravity, as consistent as Newton’s laws of motion. For years, you’ve been hoping and praying that spiritual principles are true. Now, you can know.

Challenge your Field of Infinite Potentiality and see if you can manifest an unexpected gift! Try Pam’s first experiment from E-Squared >>

E-Squared proves the following:
1. There is an invisible energy force or field of infinite possibilities.
2. You impact the field and draw from it according to your beliefs and expectations.
3. You, too, are a field of energy.
4. Whatever you focus on expands.
5. Your connection to the field provides accurate and unlimited guidance.
6. Your thoughts and consciousness impact matter.
7. Your thoughts and consciousness provide the scaffolding for your physical body.
8. You are connected to everything and everyone else in the universe.
9. The universe is limitless, abundant, and strangely accommodating.

#1 New York Times Bestseller!
E-Squared has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for weeks now and hundreds of fans and friends on Amazon, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter are raving about it.
View what people are saying >> Don’t face reality. Create reality!
Message from Pam [from the Introduction] Any illusionist worth his magic wand understands that the most important ingredient in his sleight-of-hand repertoire is diversion. A magician diverts his audience’s attention away from what he’s really doing and directs it toward something else that seems crucial but, of course, isn’t. That’s what we’ve done—diverted all our attention to the physical world. These sensory “bluffs” have caused us to miss the fact that what is invisible, what we can’t see with our eyes, is actually more fundamental to life than what we do see. Quantum physics tells us that the invisible energy realm—collectively referred to as the field, or the “FP,” as I call it—is the primary governing force of the material realm. It’s the blueprint that forms reality.

Indeed, we now know that the universe is made of nothing but waves and particles of energy that conform to our expectations, judgments, and beliefs. Subtle energies, thoughts, emotions, and consciousness play the starring roles in our life experiences, but because they’re invisible, we haven’t attempted to understand them or use them in our favor. To change the world is a simple matter of changing these expectations and beliefs. It’s truly that easy. To bring something into the physical world requires focusing not on what we see, but on what we want to see. We Observe Things into Form “It takes zero faith.

What it takes is imagination….If it’s clear in your thought, it is even this moment barreling down on you like a Mack truck.” — Richard Bach, author of Illusions and other Metaphysical novels If you ask me, learning how to transform energy is so important it should be taught along with reading, writing, and arithmetic. And it all starts with intent, the force that lies behind everything. It’s the energy, the fuel, the electric charge that sets up a resonant field and sends out probability waves into the FP. Esther Hicks, who facilitates the Abraham-Hicks material, calls it “launching a rocket of desire.” Giving it attention adds mass. The minute you make an intention, you create it. It’s instantaneous. It exists as an actual thing. You don’t see it yet because you’re still operating from linear time. You’re still sold on the old-school adage “creating things takes time.” So you keep working and waiting. But here’s what physicists tell us.

Things, in the quantum world, do not happen in steps. They happen immediately. So the thing you intend, the minute you intend it, exists, but like Schrödinger’s cat, a famous thought experiment devised in 1935 by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, you’re only aware of the reality you choose to observe. The physical manifestation remains enfolded outside your current consciousness. Cutting-edge physicists tells us life is multidimensional. But most of us are stuck in our one-dimensional physical reality, restricted to what we experience with our five senses. What we experience with these alleged foolproof tools of observation are nothing but what we decide to look for. It’s not even a chicken-or-egg question. What we see, experience, and feel with our five senses always comes after the decision to see, experience, and feel it. I liken consciousness to a giant skyscraper.

I may be living on the second floor, but the “thing” I created with my thought is up on the 17th floor. Until I can get to the 17th floor, it appears it’s still missing, that I’m still waiting. Another great analogy is a television set. If you have cable, more than 100 channels are yours for the clicking. TiVo aside, you can only watch one channel at a time.

When you’re watching, say, Modern Family, you’re chuckling at the antics of Cam, Mitchell, Phil, and Gloria and you’re completely unaware of the other 99 (or more) channels. That’s why it’s really important to stay on the channel you want. Don’t give any airtime to the reality from which you’re trying to escape. Tune in only to your intent. Picking Another Channel “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds.” — Marcus Garvey, Jamaican political leader and mentor to Bob Marley The purpose of this book is to release you from the imprisonment of your illusions, to help you set aside the manufactured press release you believe to be reality.

The good news is you don’t have to change a single one of your behaviors. All you have to do is change your mind. It’s pretty difficult to control your mind when you think you have to do it forever. But by setting up a defined time frame, as you will in the experiments in this book, your mind can be coaxed into giving it a whirl. –

See more at: http://promos.hayhouse.com/esquared/excerpt.php#sthash.4zLZjsvu.dpuf

———–
Can you start creating your realities?
Do you believe that we are not passive beings that we have energies?

 

You Can Heal Your Heart: Accepting New Life After Illness

In You Can Heal Your Heart, self-help luminary Louise Hay and renowned grief and loss expert David Kessler, the protégé of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, have come together to start a conversation on healing grief.

This remarkable book discusses the emotions that occur when a relationship leaves you brokenhearted, a marriage ends in divorce, or a loved one dies. It will also foster awareness and compassion, providing you with the courage to face many other types of losses and challenges, such as saying good-bye to a beloved pet, losing your job, coming to terms with a life-threatening illness or disease, and much more. With a perfect blend of Louise’s teachings and affirmations on personal growth and transformation and David’s many years of working with those in grief, this empowering book will inspire an extraordinary new way of thinking, bringing hope and fresh insights into your life and even your current and future relationships. You will not only learn how to help heal your grief, but you will also discover that, yes, you can heal your heart.

————–

I forgive my body.

I love my body.

Positive effects of hugs and kisses

There are many positive effects of hugs and kisses and all the love we send to others
It calms the newborn, the warm body of a new mother balances the
newborn’s sense and control of their body temperature
Sex during pregnancy facilitates an easy childbirth and labor with all hormones in balance
The voice of a partner or lover on the phone helps put another to a good night sleep
Hugs and kisses help us to start our day anew with full of possibilities
The caring love from our parents propels us to excel and succeed in whatever we do
In the latter years of our lives, it puts meaning to our existence
That we have loved and are looking forward to visits from our love ones
in the care homes or nursing homes where we stay

Love, hugs and kisses are the strongest of the emotions that keep our spirit up
Giving meaning to how we live and exist
Our mothering or parenting love to our children
determines their failures and successes later in life
There will be less people in our prison cells
had we shared more love when our children were young
We start with a loving care for our babies who are copying our emotions
as they absorb everything around them
And then when they cry as a newborn,
it is their way of communicating to the world
So we pick them up and cuddle to show them that they are heard

With our partners, we talk heart to heart and in many caring ways
When love is not there, it is time to let go of another
For we cannot force love, we can only nurture it
So find a soul mate who cares
And with the intention of love you give
You receive the same.
———-
How do you manifest your love to others?
Do you expect to be loved in return?

How others treat you is their Karma and how you respond is your karma

We worry a lot and are feeling nervous or in a wreck
We act as a result of our irrational reaction from outside forces
And then some of us do not react but hides in a corner, internalizes the event
As if the world ends, but it only affect our body functions like a fight and flight response, our hormones are in emergency state
Creating all sorts of head ache and pain

To heal our bodies, we have to condition ourselves in the way we react to outside forces
From an assault, abuse, harassment to just plain bullying
We create our own karma based on how we react from all the outside forces not within our control

To those who put pressure in us, or treat us in a way that is good or bad, that is their karma
The way they manifest to the world their existence and how they want to live in significant or insignificant ways
Others shows their karma in the way they treat others
We build our karma in the way we react to how others treat or react to us
Live as if you are creating a positive karma to yourself and the world.
Love begets love, choose love.

———
How do you react to different situations?
Do you wait for few seconds or minutes before reacting to any untoward situations?
Do you know that most seniors in a care home or nursing home have meds for nervous disorders that create more side effects?
What is your karma?

—————

What to do with love?

What is inside our heart and thoughts, shows in our actions
Our dreams and intentions manifest in our actions
Suddenly, we find kissing some one because we thought about it first
What would it be like to kiss him/her?
And in the emotionally charged state, our brain think less
Our actions are stronger and with conviction

Our eyes are the windows to our soul
It shows love or hate when we are in high emotional state
We become irrational when we mix more lust and love, all emotions that a young heart cannot tame
So, as parents when we see our teens in the state of love at first sight
What can we do?
We give in since we are happy when they are happy
Knowing that it will not last, it can only bring new feelings
They can start to feel good all the time or grumpy if the love is not returned

We nurture one another because it is our nature to feel love and give love
We feel satisfaction and be significant in our lives
More than half of our retired seniors do volunteer work to give back and to serve
In serving others, we show that we care and we love
It creates a nurturing spirit in us, balancing our hormones
And makes the world a beautiful place to live

Just love, it may hurt but is better to love than not at all
————-
What is your thoughts about love and being in love?
What do you do when your teens suddenly elope?
What do you do when you are broken hearted?

Why women love chocolates and flowers on Hearts Day?

Men show that they care about the women they adore in many ways
In various cultures and practices, men put an effort to show their intention
For in our intentions, our actions are measured
In this current culture, flowers and chocolates are symbols of adoration
We find our soul mates from the intentions we bring forth
We serve and give to receive love
Let your partner knows that you care
For the value of another is shown in the way he/she cares
Start your morning with hugs and kisses like the sea horses do before they start their daily routine
Hugs and kisses help balance our hormones
Dark chocolates have magnesium that relaxes our nerves
And the smell of some flowers goes to our brain sensors
Our pupils dilate when we are loved or in love
Love happens and is not planned
Be ready

———–
How do you show you care?
Did you find your soul mate because of his intentions and yours?
What is your favorite Valentine’s gift from your lover?

Breakfast Skipper + Weekend Splurger from VEGA

Breakfast Skipper, Weekend Splurger, Number Cruncher, and Serial Snacker. Undoubtedly these ring familiar with you. Since we’re not ones to put people into boxes (we’re all about doing things just a little bit different), it makes sense that you might identify with more than one eating profile. Heck, some of us can be all four depending on the day! If you’ve already made #OneChange based upon your primary eating profile, here’s how to incorporate three new strategies to keep ahead of your dietary kryptonite.

Strategy #1: Breakfast Skipper + Weekend Splurger

“If you thought it was hard to fit breakfast in during the workweek, you’ve obviously never seen my weekend.” Errands, social engagements, longer workouts, and more mean you often want a weekend to recover from your weekend. Since it’s common to be schedule-free most weekends, make your non-schedule work for you. Meet friends over juice and a walk instead of making brunch your default or make breakfast a family affair by whipping up a batch of Gingerbread Protein Pancakes or Chia Pudding. If you can’t structure the day, try to find healthier opportunities within the free-form fun.

Strategy #2: Number Cruncher + Serial Snacker

Combine a stomach that never shuts up with a desire to track macronutrients and calories, and you might find yourself stuck. If you find yourself caught between cravings and calculations, find comfort in consistency. Stick to a consistent snack routine and focus on making your snacks and meals count—nutritionally. Space snacks and meals out by at least three hours, but try not to wait more than five hours without eating. Boost the fiber, healthy fat and plant-based protein in meals and snacks to ensure that you’re not famished 30 minutes after eating. Reach for Vega One shaken with water when you need the nutrients without more than 150 calories.

Strategy #3: Weekend Splurger + Number Cruncher

If you’re focused on calories, carbs or protein daily totals, it may be tempting to “save” up during Saturday or Sunday (or even all week long) for an extra-large splurge over the weekend. While logically that makes sense, the reality of cutting drastically isn’t always as pretty. If you head into an evening of drinks and food on an empty stomach, not only will you start to feel quite tipsy (which can lead to some serious midnight munchies), but you’re more inclined to eat more than you would have if you’d eaten consistently throughout the day. Try to eat nutrient dense meals and snacks throughout the weekend days to fight that urge to splurge (and Number Cruncher guilt that follows).

Remember to take this just one day at a time. Food isn’t good or bad, and there’s no such thing as a “perfect” diet. Take one step in the positive direction in your wellness journey and you’re moving the right way. Start small with #OneChange.

Five Money Personalities, speaking about love and money relationship by Scot and Bethany Palmer

Chapter One

When Love and Money Collide 

It all starts with the vows: for richer or poorer. We stand up at our weddings and recite those vows fully expecting that we will happily stand by each other, no matter what. We have big dreams about the life we’re starting with this person we love so much.

Every marriage starts with big hopes and dreams. You walk down that aisle celebrating all the beautiful ways you connect as a couple, all those little moments of excitement and joy and intimacy and fun and love and goodness that have been the building blocks of your relationship. And for a while, those hopes and dreams and joys are enough to carry you through the adjustments of marriage.

And then life happens. It doesn’t matter if things go along just as you planned or if your plans get derailed early on. The bottom line is that life, no matter how great it is, pushes a lot of our hopes and dreams to the side. You have jobs. You have kids. You buy a house. You lose a house. Your parents get older. You find yourselves stressed out by the present and worried about the future. And over time, through no fault of your own, those dreams you had for your life together get put on the back burner and, one by one, they start to dry up and disappear.

The dream to buy a house? Can’t afford it. The dream of going back to school? Not with a baby on the way. The dream of backpacking through Europe? Can’t get time off. The dream of retiring at the beach? Not after the market tanked. Whether your dreams are big or small, they tend to fade as the years go by.

Ellen and Jack are a perfect example. When they got married, Ellen was working her way toward a partnership at a small law firm. Jack was a graphic designer and had dreams of starting his own design business. Right away, they started saving so Jack would have some start-up capital when the time came to set out on his own. They had a five-year plan and a common goal. But after they’d been married for two years, Ellen was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Her doctor recommended she cut back her hours at work and try to reduce the stressors in her life. While they had good health insurance through Ellen’s job, they still had new expenses to deal with that put a dent in their savings. And that meant Jack’s dream would have to wait a bit longer.

As Ellen’s illness became more manageable, the job market became less stable. It no longer seemed like a good idea for Jack to venture out on his own, especially when he knew plenty of designers who would do anything for a regular job like the one he wanted to leave. So they waited a little longer.

You can see how this will play out, right? Pretty soon five years have passed. And then they have kids, and then ten years have gone by and the kids need braces or they want to buy a bigger house or Jack’s mom dies and his dad moves in with them. After a while, the dreams of those early days just die off.

Now Jack and Ellen would be the first to tell you that they have a great life, that they’ve made choices they feel good about, and that they are blessed beyond measure. But they also admit that they miss dreaming about the future together. Ellen says, “When we got married, I remember talking about how fantastic it would be for Jack to have his own company and really make his mark in the design world. His eyes would light up when we talked about it. Now most of our conversations are like business meetings—who’s doing what and when. I know he wouldn’t trade our life now for anything, but I’d sure like to see that look in his eyes again.”

There’s something life-giving about dreaming together as a couple. It’s a reminder that you are stronger together than you are apart. It’s a way of saying to your spouse, “I look forward to the future with you.”

If you’ve lost track of the dreams you used to have, we believe you can get them back. We believe you can reclaim the life you envisioned, one dream at a time.

The Money Part

There’s a reason we take vows to stick together for richer or poorer. Money ripples into every part of our lives as couples. That’s why, whether you have it or you don’t, money can test a relationship. If you think about the dreams you had when you got married, most of them have some kind of money component—buying a house, having children, getting a job, moving to a new city, traveling, spending time with friends. Money doesn’t equal happiness, but money does play a part in whether our dreams turn into reality. And when money gets between us and our dreams, we get very unhappy and look for someone to blame. And guess who’s sitting right there? Yep, our spouses.

We meet with all kinds of couples. And there’s a look we see that shows up in couples who have lost their dreams for what their marriage could be. It doesn’t matter if they’re rich or poor. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been married for forty years or four months. It doesn’t matter if they argue constantly about money or if they never talk about money. They sit in our office and barely talk to each other, barely look at each other. When they do speak, their words are filled with blame and resentment and anger. And it’s all because life hasn’t turned out the way they’d hoped it would.

They come to us because they believe that having a better budget will help. They hope that if they invest some money in just the right ways, they can have that retirement house they dreamed of. But their budget isn’t really the issue. We can hand them a budget that’s airtight, but if they don’t know how to communicate with each other, if they don’t know how to work together as they live within that budget, then it doesn’t matter how nice their plans are. Their relationship will sink.

Most couples have no idea how to talk to each other about the money component of a decision. They don’t know how to compromise or listen to each other or make plans that meet both of their needs. Instead, they fight. They blame each other. They resent each other and hurt each other and hide money from each other. And then they divorce each other.

Reviving Your Dreams

It doesn’t have to be that way. Here’s the thing: every decision you make as a couple involves money. Every. Single. One. Money factors into everything from the kind of house you live in to where you go on vacation, from the kind of shampoo you use to the kind of bread you eat. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a $5 cup of coffee or a $50,000 car—money is part of every piece of our lives.

That’s why couples who disagree about money will disagree about everything.

That combination of love and money is what makes up your Money Relationship. Just like your physical relationship is about much more than sex, and your emotional relationship is about far more than your feelings, your Money Relationship involves a whole lot more than your money. It’s about how and why you connect—or don’t—when you make decisions where money is involved. It’s the deeper set of assumptions and beliefs you bring to your money decisions.

We created this book to help couples stop fighting about money and repair their Money Relationship, regardless of their financial situation. We want to change the way you communicate about money. We want to give you practical, efficient, easy-to-remember, easy-to-apply tools to help you build a stronger Money Relationship. But more than anything else, we want to rekindle your passion for the future—and for each other.

When you started dating, you couldn’t help but dream together. You were so excited to learn about each other, to discover your sweetheart’s favorite food or most embarrassing moment. You wanted nothing more than to know and understand each other. You could talk for hours, dreaming of the life you’d build together. This is the day to start dreaming again. We believe that every couple can recover the love, intimacy, and dreams they had when they first fell in love.

MAKE IT HAPPEN

Recapture that desire to discover new things about your spouse. Take turns telling each other one thing the other person might not know about you, even after years of being together.

Chapter Two

Your Money Relationship 

We’re going to start by really digging into this idea of a Money Relationship. It’s kind of ironic that most of the couples we work with have no idea they have a Money Relationship, even though they have come to us to talk about their money and how it’s affecting their relationship. It just doesn’t occur to people that the way they deal with money as individuals will play into the way they deal with money as a couple.

Instead, couples tend to think that if they just get a really great financial plan in place, they’ll stop arguing about money. They think that if they can stick with a budget or get enough put away for retirement or start building their savings that their money problems will be over. But they’re wrong. They can fix the budget, stock up for retirement, even load up the savings account and still have a lousy Money Relationship. And what good is the budget if you can’t stand each other? What good is that retirement fund or that savings account if your relationship is a mess?

What It’s Not

Your Money Relationship has nothing to do with your budget. It has nothing to do with your savings. It has nothing to do with how much debt you have or how much you spend every month. That’s your financial arrangement—your debt, retirement, taxes, insurance, investing, estate planning, and so on.

Your Money Relationship is about the daily decisions you make as a couple in which money is involved. (We even put it in italics to show you how important it is!)

Before we move on, we want you to really understand the difference between your finances and your Money Relationship. Your financial plans, your debt, your investments, your taxes, your budget—that’s one aspect of your life together. And that’s not what this book is about. We want to focus on the relationship behind that part of your life, your Money Relationship. That’s the part of your marriage that involves all of those little day-to-day decisions about money.

Here’s what we mean: Jonell and Kai have been married for fourteen years. They make a fairly good living; he’s an accountant at a hospital and she does fund-raising for a small nonprofit organization. They have owned their modest house for eight years. They have a bit of student loan debt left to pay off and one car payment. They tend to use credit cards to pay for nearly everything, but they pay off their cards almost every month. Kai has a 401(k) through work, but they haven’t thought all that much about their retirement funds. Their main financial goal right now is to put aside a decent amount of money to help their two children pay for college.

We’ve given you a pretty good picture of Kai and Jonell’s financial situation. You know they have some debt, some savings goals, some money in a retirement fund. You have the basics on their financial life. But those details tell you nothing about their Money Relationship.

When it comes to their Money Relationship, Kai and Jonell have some real challenges. Kai, the accountant, is obviously good at balancing a budget and figuring out where to save and where to spend. So he handles all of the finances in their marriage. Jonell, despite being in a finance-oriented field herself, isn’t all that interested in how much they bring in each month or how much they pay out each month. She knows Kai has it taken care of and she doesn’t think twice about it.

But Kai worries about their money constantly. Every evening, he looks over their online credit card account to see how much they spent that day. He lies awake, silently calculating where they can cut back to make sure they pay off the bill that month. Those rare months when they have to settle for a minimum or partial payment feel like a failure to him.

If Jonell buys a new outfit for a fund-raising event, Kai mentally cancels his plans to take her out for a nice dinner later that week and quietly resents Jonell for pushing their monthly budget to its limits. He worries that they won’t have enough for their retirement, much less enough to help the kids with college. He’s considered talking to Jonell about his concerns, but he knows she gets defensive when they talk about money. So he keeps his worry to himself.

While their financial picture is perfectly healthy, their Money Relationship is anything but. He’s a wreck, she’s clueless, and neither of them has any idea that this is a crisis in the making. It won’t be long before Kai either explodes at Jonell for her spending or develops an ulcer from worrying about it. And Jonell doesn’t get a free pass here. Her willingness to wash her hands of the family finances isn’t a sign of trust; it’s a sign of disrespect for Kai. Why should he bear the full weight of decisions that have an impact on the whole family?

Most couples have no idea that there’s a difference between their finances and their Money Relationship. So when they try to solve financial problems that are really the result of a troubled Money Relationship, they end up frustrated. Unless couples get to the root of the problem—the challenges in their Money Relationship—they just can’t move forward.

We worked with a couple who had been married for more than forty years and had been clients with our financial planning company for most of those years. One afternoon, they came in for an appointment and announced they were getting a divorce.

All their financial plans were in place and had been for a long time. But behind those perfect plans were resentment and hurt feelings and misunderstanding. The problem was that they never understood that they thought about money in very different ways. So every decision they made in those forty-plus years just added another straw of resentment to the proverbial camel’s back. Their plans were solid but their relationship had fallen apart.

They had plenty of money and they’d managed it fairly well. The problem? She thought they needed more money in their retirement accounts and he didn’t. She’d been anxious about their future for years and had nagged him about putting more away. But he thought they’d be fine and had stopped listening to her concerns a long time ago. The closer they got to retirement, the more anxious she became until she couldn’t take it anymore and she bailed.

On the surface, their impending divorce was the result of poor financial planning. But it wasn’t their assets that were the problem. It was their total lack of communication. We’ve never seen a couple break up over their 401(k) performance. We’ve never seen a couple get divorced because they didn’t have enough life insurance or because their estate planning wasn’t complete or because they didn’t pay off their student loans in less than five years. What kills relationships is miscommunication and misunderstanding. That’s especially true when it comes to money because, as we’ve said, it has an impact on every aspect of life.

We often ask couples to tell us about the last money decision they made. Most of them come up with some investment or a savings plan or a big purchase. But when we ask them to think smaller, they start to see that they are dealing with money almost from the moment they wake up.

Think about it. Do you take a long shower or a moneysaving short shower? Coffee at home or a fancy coffee from the place on your way to work? Generic cereal or the name-brand stuff? Drive to work or take public transportation? Bag lunch or out to eat? Squeeze in some overtime or go back home to the family?

If you and your spouse have fundamental disagreements about money—how much to spend, how much to save, how much risk is too much—then each of those little, seemingly innocent decisions about hot water and coffee and lunch are fraught with meaning. Take a long shower when your spouse is trying to cut back on the utilities and you’ve just created a problem. Grab breakfast at the fast-food joint when you’ve agreed to an eat-at-home budget and you’ve stirred the hornet’s nest.

Because money trickles down to just about every decision we make during the day, it’s not surprising that couples clash over money. It’s like a constant pop quiz, one you’re bound to fail unless you and your spouse have a strong Money Relationship.

Breaking the Cycle

What we see over and over again is couples who are caught up in a cycle of assumptions, misunderstanding, and blame. It doesn’t matter if they have a healthy bank account or are deep in debt. Because money isn’t the problem. Their Money Relationship is the problem.

It took us years to see this, not only in our marriage, but in our work. We’d been in the financial planning business for a decade before we realized that something wasn’t working. We’d meet with couples, put together airtight financial plans for them, and still see them fighting, stressing out, and even divorcing because of their financial issues. And we didn’t get it. We thought that once we gave them a plan, their conflict would go away. But it didn’t.

That’s when we realized there was something else going on. It wasn’t the money itself that created these issues. It was that couples had no idea how to talk about money in a way that helped them work together to build the future they’d always dreamed of. We’d been focusing on the “how” behind their money plans instead of the “why.”

What we didn’t realize is that it’s not enough to have your financial ducks in a row. You need to know why you think about and deal with money the way you do. And that’s what this book is all about.

Think about the last time you and your spouse argued about money. For most couples, those arguments are rarely about the money itself. Instead, they are about deeper relationship issues like trust and respect and connection.

Take Mitch and Karen, for example. Mitch loves his coffee. Loves it. If he can’t start his morning with a twenty-ounce double shot from his favorite coffee shop, his whole day is off. But Karen doesn’t understand why Mitch would pay almost six bucks a day to feed his habit when she brews a great pot of coffee at home every morning for pennies. She’s tired of watching Mitch spend more than $100 a month on something she sees as totally unnecessary. One morning she lets him know he needs to cut back.

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Connie Dello Buono, Retirement planner for new couples in 50 US states
CA Life Lic 0G60621
408-854-1883
motherhealth@gmail.com
1708 Hallmark Lane San Jose CA 95124
Also in SSF, Milpitas, Palo Alto,Fremont,Carmel,Gilroy,San Diego, LA,Stockton and Vallejo